Loss, holidays and Regina Specktor.

I just watched "My sister's keeper". Im so moved by this whole concept. one, this thing about death. Im not scared of death, and never really have been. I believe in heaven, and after that re-incarnation, so death is only a pass-way on to some thing better. But loss. I cant say i have much experience on the subject. I have so luckily not lost any one close to me. But even my great grandmother's death scares me. the thing about death is those who are left behind. It becomes so empty. Living in africa, i rarely saw my great grandmother often. so it just feels like i havnt seen her recently. she was quite a big part of my life, when ever we went to London, we stayed with her. so i still forget that she is dead. It just seems like a permanent vacation.
but this makes me think, how unbearable it must be to loose somebody really close to you. This emptiness, not being able to talk to them any longer, and tell them how sad you are seems so unbearable. because they are not there, they are the ones you want to be with the most, so not being able to have them sounds really bad.
I know that they are there with you still. Which is what i want to understand better, that people never really leave you.

tomorrow, wer leaving for holidays, on a more happy note. ill promise to snatch my sisters camera and take pictures for you all :D

and im listening to Regina Specktor so much its weird. and when im not listening to her, her songs are playing in my mind. they are so good its crazy.

... this was a pretty random blog, guess its just what's going on inside my head atm...

Another sleepless night.

My predictions were, as always, entirely true. I should maybe stop predicting it... but at this point, i already tried everything, might as well get used to never sleeping.
Now im sitting in my room, still wearing my jeans, my ears hurting from my earphones, but other-wise very happy discovering new Regina Specktor songs. I think i must have a very strange expression on my face. My eyes are kinda drooping, and my mouth is very straight. That's the only way i can describe it...
5 more days... till holiday :)
Oh, i just discovered an amazing song that im listening to now, so im happy :)

Except for the not sleeping part, i had a pretty good weekend actually. Marie read Skins aloud for me before we went to sleep, Mariel made a yummy raw food thing for me, and i watched Alice in wonderland, which just makes you really happy and surrealistic. Oh, and i succeed in making a eatable raw dinner for my family!...

right now, my head is full of dreams...
xxx

About distractions....

I am swelling in them right now. I would say curse the internet, but im obsessed, in love, at the same time. Lookbook, random blogs, fashion, shops, even face book, which is normally more of a chore for me than pleasure, is obsessing me. Oh, also stalking, btw. Mostly, i waste my time stalking schools around the world, hoping that my dad might be so lucky as to get a job just there. Then i stalk the town where my dad has applied for a job. Right now its NY. I see the name everywhere, know the tourist sites by heart, and interrogate any friend who has a connection to the town. in short,, im very easily distracted right now.
This is pretty crap, because i have a fuck load of things to do this weekend, not including distractions. im making a raw food dinner for my family, spending half the weekend away from home, celebrating my birthday, and i have this huuuuge essay thing that ive been putting of (curse distractions).
soo, im making a rule for the weekend: no distractions. and im sorry, but that includes blogging as well. (which wont really make a difference, since i never bolg - for which im incredibly sorry btw.)
Sooo... no more of this:








...i'll give you a report munday. Probably, ill ended up getting distracted no matter what and not sleep sunday night, getting my essay done. Thank god im going on holiday next week... im going to Victoria Falls, in Zimbabwe. This beautiful waterfall, and living in an ancient hotel. Its my favorite holet in the world, it looks like something out of the Victorian age, and makes me feel like a princess. Ill take pictures to show you. :)

Comfortably Numb

Here is the rest of my story... for those of you who were grabbed by part one. :)

I turned my head casually, expecting to see another well known shop window. But the posing mannequins faded into the background.
The first thing I saw was his face. The drooping eyes and the frozen cheeks, his teeth clattering ever so slightly. It was a face full of self pity and sorrow. A face about to burst into tears, yet two eyes that had no more tears to cry. I saw a young man turned into a despairing two year old, without a mother to comfort him. The man looked so weak, I though he would simply die right there on the street. He was lying in a blue sleeping bag, on a pile of cardboard boxes. He had pulled the sleeping bag right up around his face, in a feeble attempt to shield his body from the charging, brutal cold.

I looked at the man for a split second. The moment I saw him, I turned my face. Back to staring at the cracks in the pavement. I walked on with my family towards my dessert. Men in coats, girls in tight jeans, and mothers in running shoes hurried past that young man. Some noticed him, some didn’t. They all walked on.

“You saw wrong,” I told my self. Denial was my first reaction. “Young men always do crazy things, he probably just felt like lying there.” My stories carried on, assuring my conscience that there was no point in worrying. I might not even have seen a man. After all, I did only look for a split second.
Yet at the same time, a guilt had been awoken within me. A horrible beast, that kept growing underneath my skin.
“How dare you just walk on,” It roared mightily. “You don’t deserve your good life, your not worthy of this luxury, that could just as well have been you lying there!”. Its screams bellowed inside my head. I wanted it to stop. I hated the feeling, the yelling. But I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t help the man, what was I supposed to do? He was far behind me by now.
The creature reminded me of the clothes in my bag. “What could you do?” implied its hoarse voice. But I couldn’t give the man my clothes, my dear new clothes.
The monster was infuriated, its face burning with anger.
They could save the man, keep him warm, make him money. I would wear my clothes for a while and then throw them away. They wouldn’t change my life. Yet I couldn’t find it in myself to give them to him.
“You selfish, undeserving human being!” shouted the monster. It kept on yelling at me.
Desperately, to silence this nightmare, I made a deal with the monster, with my self:
I would never forget that man.
I would imprint the image of his unsetting face in my mind forever. I would make sure that something good would arise from this man’s suffering, that some day, when I had the opportunity, I would help a person just like him. If he were to die, he would not have died in vain, for he would have changed me.

The monster was content. It disappeared and went back to sleep. I felt calm once again, and happily forgot my promise. I arrived at Starbucks and enjoyed my milkshake.

Many years passed by and I never remembered that man. My life continued as comfortably as it had always been. The image of his dying face never once appeared before my eyes. It faded away like an unimportant dream.
When I first remembered by my broken promise, I gave a little laugh. How naïve I had been when I was younger, thinking so determinately that his face would change my life. Didn’t I know that deciding on what would change your life was stupid and unrealistic?
“Cute,” I sighed.

Yet at the same time, I was shocked. Stunned that it had been so easy to forget the seemingly unforgettable face of this young man. His despairing expression was still clear in my mind, after all those years. Yet I had never let it float to the surface of my conscience. Remembering him wouldn’t have been hard. Noting his sad situation just a few times during those years would have been easy, paying my respect. Yet not doing so, had been even simpler. I was happy in my own world, why bother myself with these pointless thoughts? Which is why I never thought of him.
Disappointment dimmed within me. If this miserable face had not effected my life at all, then what would? Had I become too used to turning my head and avoiding un-pleasurable situations like these? Fear simmered inside me. I was heartless and evil to be to so un-caring.
I soon let these subtle thought s drift away once again. I didn’t want to think about them, I was fine as I was in my own world.
I was comfortably numb.

waw. let down.

Ive been waiting for a month now for Polkadots and Vodkashots blog to return, she said shed be back to day, but she isn't... well she isnt updating her blog at least... god i feel disappointed. haha. need a new hobby?, no reading blogs is simply too amazing. :)

Instead I spent the day writing a memoir of seeing a man sleeping on the street, I only have the beginning, but i really like it actually... do you want to read it? ive already forced it upon every family member capable of understanding the concept of an essay (my 2 year old sister just thinks im writing a story for my teacher and my 3 month old sister... well i didnt read it for her either :))

enjoy...

Comfortably Numb

A content little smile spread on my face as I glided along the streets of London. Streams of people passed by me, men in business suits, girls in sunglasses, mothers in running shoes. To me, they looked happy. It seemed like the most logical thing that everybody in London would be just as happy as I was. I thought being in London just made you happy.

I bounced my new bag of clothes against my leg, hoping it would attract my by passers’ attention.
“Look everybody, I just got new clothes from GAP!” I could have sung.
The salty flavor of butter still covered my taste buds. My plate of pasta had been sailing in it back at the Italian restaurant. I had eaten so much that I had to pull my stomach in as we walked. Now we were heading for desserts! The anticipation of my awaiting milkshake was both wonderful and agonizing. My eyes kept darting above the heads of the crowds, impatiently searching for the big green Starbucks sign, the symbol of my anticipated dessert. Ugh, but the sigh didn’t come! I lowered my eyes to the pavement and tried to distract myself with its uninteresting pattern of cracks. I gave in and turned to look at the shop windows instead.

Casually, I turned my head.

*the title is actually from ELLE. Im not that creative myself. :P

enjoy your Saturday night. im spending it watching a good movie, after which im gonna finnish my essay. (yet another night of minimal sleep, i fear :S)
lots of love xx

My life feels weirdly close to perfect right now, like there is nothing bad about it. how nice, right? :)
It was my birthday this Friday. It felt like a dream the whole time, haha. i think its a while since I've been that happy, and that excited about my birthday! waw. :)
as one of my wonderful presents, my friend Emilia re-did my blog for me. its nice, hey?

about "hey". Down here, in Africa, they say it all the time. Mostly the South Africans, but also the Europeans who wanna be cool. They say other stuff as well, putting on this thick African accent, saying like: exce, ich man, bleh, and all this random stuff. the new big thing is "dry" - like a joke is "so dry". haha. it actually sounds amazing. i especially love the "hey", at the end of each sentence, thats one thing ill miss about it here.
I wonder what else ill miss from here. Defiantly my friends, im wondering if people this amazing exist else where on this planet. But of course they do - my friends in dk are just as amazing, so amazing people must be found everywhere, hey? But ill miss fitting in with them. When we leave this summer, to god knows where, it might take me a while to fit in again, new ppl and all. but oh well, i cant deny it will be exciting at the same time. :D
I have been thinking about it way too much though, where wer gonna go. Mostly, its my first day of school, and the whole first impression thing that i think about. its so exciting, i cant help myself :D. but then it just gets too much. so for the time being, im making myself not think about it. focus on loving Zambia for a while, before I leave.
Its working really well, actually. thats whats making me so happy also, paying more attention to the place im in right now. I for example spent my day making my room nicer, and it turned out amazing, which is really important to me. I have a beautiful room, two huge floor length windows that let in tons of light, and, most importantly, reveal a simply wonderful view of miles and miles of green rain-forest trees. I dried roses and put them on my bed table, took all my lovely (mostly stolen :S) art supplies out to inspire me on my shelves, and piled all my new inspiring books onto my bed table. Resultingly, my room now looks as if it is inhabited by a dreaming artist, all i need still is a self made picture on the wall. im waiting to finish my painting of the wave that fell in love with the cloud/wind (havnt yet decided).
The rest of today i spent reading SKINS. its my very favorite TV series, now published as a book. very amazing :)
okay, ill stop my long post now.. its late at night and i stil have birthday wishes to reply to and stuff, so i better commence with it :)
have a nice time dear reader.
xx

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For computer class Im creating this blog recommending other good blogs to whoever. So,, If you know/have an amazing blog, let me know. :) Also, if you have an idea for a title, please inspire me,, because i have none.
and PS. sorry to have abandoned blogging for so long. Ill be back with more...